My submissive journey: December 2012

Stars, snow and revelations

Thursday, December 13, 2012 - You may find your core values being called into question as today's Sagittarius New Moon falls in your 2nd House of Self-Esteem. Although someone else's actions could trigger issues that raise your concern, there's a chance that others might actually be following your lead. Keep in mind that no one else can make you feel better about who you are; your self-worth must come from within. Yeah, i'll try to remember that...

Friday, December 14, 2012 - Be bold and take a chance by demonstrating your willingness to do a job differently today, even if your unconventional approach makes you less efficient. Me unconventional? Never heard of! =P The potential for a significant breakthrough is great, yet your most brilliant plans won't conform to comfortable routines. Yeah like i have any routines at all -let alone comfortable ones! Nevertheless, you don't need to act on every brilliant idea. Pick the best one and then work to make it real. Haha -even the stars know of my "quirky" tendencies! *lol*

Saturday, December 15, 2012 - The present situation seems familiar, but it's highly possible that you only played through the scenario in your mind. Oh my gawd that is sooo ME! Do that a lot! Now it's time to live it out in reality as the currents of change pick up speed. You could exhaust yourself trying to fight it, but it's smarter to just go with the flow. Even if you're not heading exactly where you want to go today, remember that the tides can reverse directions suddenly. Save your strength for later on when you'll need it to reach your final destination. Huh! Convenient on a child-free Friday =P

OK, so that was the daily horoscopes, but what is a typical Scorpio?

The sensual side of Scorpio plays out on the surface -- intense, deep and passionate is the Scorpion's style. But what's more important to you is your inner side that's hidden from the world -- and inside, it's all about metamorphosis. Ruled by dark Pluto and represented by the poisonous Scorpion, there's a shadowy side to this zodiac sign. However, once your dark nature can be transformed into one of peace and understanding, higher consciousness is attainable. Yeah, if that's not me, then i dunno what is!

And how about Sir?

There's no creature more loyal than Cancer. Your home-oriented self is all about creating a comfortable, stable and protective environment for your loved ones. Nostalgic by nature, you have a tendency to draw inward, just as the Crab pulls into its shell to shield itself from the harsh outside world. Cautious and emotional, Cancers should steer clear of bottling up emotions, as minor problems can easily turn into major catastrophes.
Same here, sooo true!

Love Compatibility For:
Scorpio and Cancer

As a water sign you tend toward emotional intensity and psychic perceptions. You are acutely aware of the undercurrents of your environment and are able to detect the moods of the people around your with your probing mind. Uh-huh! *Nods*

Cancer is also a water sign who expresses feelings and moods with greater unpredictability than you. You both tend to hold in your feelings, but for different reasons. Yep! Yours are so powerful that you often tone down their intensity so as not to scare others. Your Cancer lover, however, is often quiet because they are worried that if they shared their feelings, others wouldn't love them. For them, it is an issue of building enough trust so they feel secure with verbalizing emotions. Me thinks that might just be correct...

Crabs can hide behind a hard outer shell to help them with issues of insecurity. Your partner's soft, caring and nurturing character coaxes you out of the hidden corners of your own suppressed emotions. Ehm, yeah...Suppressed emotions -me?! Never! *Insert eye roll* Meanwhile, you strengthen their intuitive hunches and teach them to have courage enough to stand up for what need.

Your lover can be highly expressive sexually, but may be more hesitant than you, needs tender encouragement and care along the way. Still, Crabs are able to receive and reflect the power of your physical urges, even if they seem more fragile. Hmm...me. Physical urges...me that's so innocent can't possibly have physical urges?! *LOL* Yeah....**little horny slut** *giggles*

Differences of style can get in the way of easy day-to-day routines if the Moon in your chart is in Aries, Libra, Sagittarius or Aquarius. Hahahahahaha Yeah!...yeah that would be like,uhm...always??

Regardless of the Moon's placement, you enjoy each other's company oh so very true, even doing 'nothing' =) and may be attracted to spend quality time near the ocean or different types of water environments. If the two of you choose to create a household together, it will be full of powerful emotions, yet it can ultimately turn into a quiet nurturing and private space, separate from the busy outside world. *smiles*

That's just so.....Us!

Now for my true followers that could be bothered to read all the way here through my nonsensical drivel, a little window into my surroundings.

Not snowing like that anymore, now it's kinda sunny actually.
Still staying in though =p

Oh! And one more thing; Sir will be spending New Years with me!

Yep, He's coming here!

*grins*

....

Actually wrote this post several days ago, but didn't post it because i was gonna ask Sir what he thought of posting his star sign, then i remembered we congratulate each other's birthdays on the blogs, so figured it shouldn't matter. Then stuff happened....

I could make it into a separate post but i've decided to just add it here (so all you who can't be bothered with my horoscope stuff only have one post to disregard ;) )

Sunday, December 16, 2012 - You can delve into the depths of your own inner world today or become fascinated with someone else's. Either way, be prepared to go on a magical yet bewildering ride, since it may be impossible to know what is real as you are experiencing it. You might actually slip into a parallel universe for a while as you are entranced by a fantasy. If you have the courage to go on this imaginative journey, you'll return soon enough with a treasure from the distant reaches of your own subconscious mind.

Wish i had time for that!

Sunday, December 16, 2012 - Even if someone thinks you are acting a bit strange today, you still could be truly inspired. Your senses are so finely tuned now that you might be able to hear mermaids singing sea chants in an unintelligible forgotten language. Oddly, these strange sounds make perfect sense and you intuitively know exactly what they mean. The waters of your subconscious are rising but there's no threat of danger, so don't bother trying to hold back the flood.

OK, so we'll both be psychotic?! Hmm maybe it's a good thing we are apart today =P

*LOL*

I just wanna add something here:

although i think this is fun (and freakishly accurate at times!) i'm not one of these people that "consult the stars" or live my life by them, i do however think they can be inspirational at times.

Don't worry, i might be mental but i'm no witch =P

Head spinning

Whirlwinds. Spaghetti. Sloshing water and crashing waves. That's my mind right now. Thinking too many things at the same time. Significant things. Things that can't be disregarded, yet not coherent enough to form a full sentence, even if there are full sequences of thought. It's a bit like a tape being played on an old recorder, you know how you'd sometimes look for a specific place on the tape and you could fast forward, press play for a millisecond, continue ff, playback, rewind,stop and slow motion. vvvvvrrrrrssssssiiiiiitttttiiiiiiivvvvvbrreehhhhhv. It's a bit like that.

And i'm so emotional right now.
The atrocities in the US did nothing to help -and i have too much to say about that, but this is not the time.

And I finished reading a story today. A fan fiction i started reading long ago, the very same one that triggered me to go to the cemetery a few weeks back. It's called "Tattoos Like Mile Markers". I recognize so much of it, even if the story is a lot more "hardcore" than what i have done. It's at times a very very dark story, but it's also full of hope and light. Sometimes it's difficult to see for the clouds but it's there. And love, as full of self-loathing and self-blame and shame as it is, it's also full of love.

Even with all the shit that goes on in my life and all the turmoil in my head, i am still very blessed, yesterday and today i feel it especially.
I have a wonderful daughter -that's the same age as the kids of yesterdays horror story, which i guess is why it hit home so hard.
I have Sir that is always thinking of me, helping me as much as he can -and as much as i let him (i know, i know, spare me the spiel please). He loves me and cares for me regardless of all the shit i come with. He tries his best and puts me before a lot else that is important too. I love him. Sometimes i forget just how much, but i do, and right now i'm feeling it deeply. Seems i'm a bit emotional at the moment.
Not a feeling i'm overly familiar with. I have mixed feelings about that; it feels like a blessing to actually f e e l emotional, at the same time as i'm not so comfortable with beeing emotional, if that makes sense.

Damned, feel drained already. Maybe i should try to go sleep, since it's way past my bed time as it is (i did notify Sir of that via mail for those of you who wonder ;) ). Speaking of, Sir is away on business and will be hard reached over the next few days, i will miss him. No, i miss him. Soon it will be back to normal for a little while though, until xmas when he'll be away again. On the upside he is coming to spend New Years with me =) Yep, he'll be here for a week! It's another milestone in our relationship you could say, it will be a first seasonal holiday spent together. "Next year Christmas", Sir's words....just carrying a slight hint of admonishing in it, but that i deserve. But yes please Sir, next year Xmas. Absolutely fine by me!
And TB is as excited about Sir coming as i am -she's absolutely exuberant about it! =) He's got a real fan there. I'm happy to say, it would be a pain if it was the opposite, which i thought would be more likely to be honest. But she adores Sir, and for that i am happy. I'm sure she'll wrap him around here little finger just as easily as she does everyone else =P

Sir, you be safe in your travels now -you have 2 very expectant ladies waiting for you!

Dunno where these ramblings lead or even if it's what's in my head (haha that rhymed!) but i feel a bit quieter now. Let's see if it's still the case once the computer is off and it's time to try to sleep again.

But for you guys it's au revoir!

Reminiscing and feeling bad

Just stumbled upon this old picture, from May 2011, and i have to admit it looked kinda nice (not that i thought so at the time). A lot of gym was done after that as well....all that hard work is gone though -not a chance i'd get in that now! Was a struggle that broke a sweat back then, now impossible =(

That feels kinda shitty. Seriously need to get a grip.

Luckily it's soon New Years which tends to bring resolutions right?

;)

Punishments and such

Earlier today:

I am right now at this writing moment sitting in a plane heading for Paris where I'll transfer to my flight home. I'm sitting eating an apple, waiting for breakfast to arrive. My e-book didn't download in time so i figured i could blog a bit (i hope it will save alright!). There's been quite a lot going on over these past days with Brutus. Stress, bad moods and arguments, but also snuggles, love and laughs, movies and nice dinners. A trip to IKEA which resulted in a very nice little work station for Sir. Oh and there was spanking. One kinda maintenance, as already mentioned, one HEFTY punishment spanking, and last night a small one just for fun.

I guess out of all that it's the punishment you're interested in hearing about, yes? Yeah, thought so. I don't even remember which day it was now or specifically what I'd done, but i had been moody, irritable and probably quite obnoxious to be honest. At dinner he had enough. We'd planned on watching a movie after dinner but it was now announced that "after dinner's finished you can go straight to bed and get a spanking". Oh! "Fine. Yes Sir." We finished our dinner, as you can imagine not in the best atmosphere. When i'd finished eating i asked Sir if he wanted coffee, as per usual. Yes he did, but i was to wait with making it until he was finished. Oh ok then. Pfft. Once he'd finished i got up, made the coffee, put it on the fire and started doing the dishes. You know i'm like really ocd with the dishes (like <really>), and they usually take a long time to do, but you know what they say; a silent woman is an angry woman. A silent woman cleaning even more so. And trust me i was pissed. I can't even remember why (only that Sir asked that exact same question during dinner and i didn't have any better answer for him than for you). The dishes were even done by the time the coffee was. Or no actually not quite. I poured us both a coffee and i pretty much downed mine while doing the last pieces of dishes (yeah ouch hot!), put down my cup (or ok i might have slammed it a little), stomped off to the bedroom, more or less tore my clothes off and placed myself naked across the bed, and waited. Didn't have to wait too long.
He was nice enough to warm me up first - i have to give him props for that, he's gotten really good at doing that! - after that everything is a bit of a blur. I know he used almost all implements: the paddle brush, the shoe horn, the crop, the belt, and i believe that thing he made of my thin studded belt too. All i know is that i've never had a punishment even remotely that severe. And i have never hurt like that before. Ever. Ok childbirth and such discounted. I cried. For me, quite a lot. Not half as much as Sir thought thought nor half as much as i myself wanted either. But i cried. And yes i got those images in my head again. Sometimes spanking helps, sometimes it brings it on. Sir wondered afterwards why i didn't tell him to stop. Why didn't i? Because i didn't find it relevant. Also they'd already started so what was the point? And maybe also that i didn't want to be accused of backing out. Or feel like i did.
But Fuck did it hurt! It hurt like a m-f. Scuse my language (sure you're used to it by now though).

It is a punishment i will not soon forget. Not that it stopped me from continuing being argumentative. *insert eyeroll*
I don't think anything can stop me from that.
I'm still black and blue all over my arse. And lovehandles. Oooh why do they hurt so?! They hurt so bad! I actually laid there quietly taking it all. Well mostly, and i guess it depends on your definition of silent. But there was no howling if we put it like that.
It was when he started using the loopy bit of the shoehorn that he said that i had to let him know when I'd had enough. And that just broke the barrier for me. The excruciating pain and then the all clear to stop it had me begging him to stop. And i mean begging.
I lay there for a while, more or less completely still, quietly sobbing into the pillow. After a little while Sir asked if i wanted a hug. I nodded my head and slowly crawled up to him. Mostly for his sake actually. I know how much he hates punishments, and i think that one was almost as difficult for him as for me -at least mentally.

Oh almost in Paris now. Time flies! (see what i did there? Haha i am so witty. *rolls eyes at self*)

There you have it. All the gory details of my first really severe punishment. Bad enough that i didn't even bother counting the strokes of the belt. Many. That's enough to know.
It was a fair punishment. I deserved it. Like so many other times when i haven't gotten any consequences at all. This time i did. And i am happy for it.

Now i soon have to get ready for landing, so on that note i will love you and leave you.

Catch you when i'm back at a totally freezing Sweden (yes we're talking like minus 15°C!)

Ok have to switch off phone now.

Bye!

Now:

Tired. Cold. Sooo cold here!

Happy to see TB. Unpacked. Some dishes done. Xmas presents stowed away.

The second leg of the travel home was a bit hectic. We were late into Paris which meant i almost missed my connecting flight. Stress. Especially when you're like me and of course run in the wrong direction in the airport! Great when you only have a few mins marginal. But i got there in the end and luckily for me there was a huge queue so i made it in time (with time to spare even). I slept most of the second flight, even though i had decided i wouldn't. But it was nice. I guess i needed it too,was out the house at 5 am this morning -not many hours sleep ;)

Not much more interesting than that to say i'm afraid.

So that's it for me for this time, i'll leave ya to it ;)

Tjenatjosan ciao bye!